A Note to Arati

I am now going to ask you a favour which sounds quite crazy, and which I should regard as such, were I the one to receive your lovely denial. It is also the very greatest test that even the kindest person could be put to. Well, this is it.
Speak to me or not. Write to me or not. Think of me or not. I cannot endure your response at all. I am incapable of enduring that. To answer one of your line I lie in bed in apparent calm, but my heart beats through my entire body and is conscious only of you. The feelings belong to you; there is really no other way of expressing it, and that is not strong enough. But for this very reason I don't want to know what you are thinking of me; it confuses me so much that I cannot deal with life; and that's why I don't want to know that you are fond of me. If I did, how could I, fool that I am, go on sitting in my office, or here at home, instead of flying in a plane to ktm with my eyes shut and opening them only when I am with you? Oh, there is a sad, sad reason for not doing so. To make it short: I’ve just heard about you. I don’t know you. My heart is just good enough for myself alone now, not good enough for others. Yet when I heard your sweet words on me, I feel I could overlook even what cannot possibly be overlooked.
If only I had your answer now! And how horribly I torment you, and how I compel you, in the stillness of your room, to hear your fragrant words, as a nasty collection, as has ever lain on your mind! Honestly, it strikes me sometimes that I prey like a specter on your felicitous name! If only I had responded on your Friday morning’s words, in which I implored you never to listen my name again, and in which I gave a similar promise. Oh God, what prevented me from answering you straight away? All would be well. But is a peaceful solution possible now. Would it help if we agreed to speak once in a lifetime? No, if my suffering could be cured by such means it would not be serious. And already I foresee that I shan't be able to endure even the Friday words. And so, to compensate for lost opportunity, I ask you with what energy remains to me at the end of this note: If we value our lives, let us abandon our ego.
Raj